Tanenbaumed

Obama's State of the Union - 2012: A Speech Odyssey

2012-01-25T19:41:00.000-08:00

My Fellow Americans (and Texans),

If you caught the SOTU -- apparently the cool way of saying State of the Union Address -- you were probably all STFU because the speech is long... really, really, reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally long. No background music, either. What is this, a Jan Švankmajer film?

I don't know if Republicans will be happy with his proposed cuts, but they should support his decision to cut all three-or-more syllable words from his rhetoric:

"No one built this country on their own. This Nation is great because we built it together. This Nation is great because we worked as a team. This Nation is great because we get each other's backs."

This isn't exactly, Hemingway, Mr. President, it's more like a little league coach. Just because the prior President and most Americans have given up on literacy does NOT mean you should! Sure, you might lose a few losers, but who knows, maybe an intellectual approach will cause Americans to blow the cocain dust off that old dictionary and overcome our glorified hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia.

Just for comparison here's a single sentence from Teddy Roosevelt's 1904 State of the Union:

"The accomplishment of results by indirection, the endeavor to thwart the intention, if not the expressed letter of the law (the will of the people), a disregard of the rights of others, a disposition to withhold what is due, to force by main strength or inactivity a result not justified, depending upon the weakness of the claimant and his indisposition to become involved in litigation, has created a sentiment harmful in the extreme and a disposition to consider anything fair that gives gain to the individual at the expense of the company."

O, Oration! Uh, what'd he say?

And yet... despite the words written especially simplistic for the especially simplistic, most didn't tune in. After all, there is much to be done: the economy is in shambles and surely every good Johnny American is picking up his boot straps (or bra straps, let's not be sexist) and gettin' things back in motion! That's the American spirit! No talk, all walk! No walk, all run! No run, all jump! No jump, all hump! U-S-A!

Or, more likely, there was a Jersey Shore re-run. Either way, I want everyone to be part of the Democratic process so I have compiled a slightly abridged speech with pictures. Yes, pictures!

"Fellow Americans..."

"Osama bin Laden is not a threat to this country."

"My grandmother, who worked on a bomber assembly line, was part of a workforce that turned out the best products on Earth."

"What's happening in Detroit can happen in other industries."

"Over a thousand Americans are working today because we stopped a surge in Chinese tires. But we need to do more."

"Higher education can’t be a luxury"

"We have a supply of natural gas that can last America nearly one hundred years, and my Administration will take every possible action to safely develop this energy."

"So much of America needs to be rebuilt. ...An incomplete high-speed broadband network that prevents a small business owner in rural America from selling her products all over the world."

"During the Great Depression, America built the Hoover Dam and the Golden Gate Bridge."

"I'm confident a farmer can contain a milk spill without a federal agency looking over his shoulder."

"Warren Buffett pays a lower tax rate than his secretary."

"Now, you can call this class warfare all you want. ...Most Americans would call that common sense."

"We don't begrudge financial success in this country. We admire it."

"I bet most Americans are thinking the same thing right now: Nothing will get done this year, or next year, or maybe even the year after that..."

"Ending the Iraq war has allowed us to strike decisive blows against our enemies."

"Look at Iran."

"Let there be no doubt: America is determined to prevent Iran from getting a nuclear weapon, and I will take no options off the table to achieve that goal."

"Our oldest alliances in Europe and Asia are stronger than ever."

"To stay one step ahead of our adversaries, I have already sent this Congress legislation that will secure our country from the growing danger of cyber-threats."

"Above all, our freedom endures because of the men and women in uniform who defend it."

"Thank you, God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America."

I Got 99 Percent, but Wallstreet Ain't 1

2011-11-07T01:12:00.000-08:00

Protesting hard or hardly protesting? Whether it's the Left or Right in this country, both sides are making a lot of noise about representing the "Average Jacob."

What both sides of the Occupy Movement are forgetting is that they are all, unfortunately, Americans, and as we all know 99% + 53% does NOT = 100%! (not including X factors either)

All this preoccupation with occupation centers around whether the top 1% require more scrutiny; and no, we don't mean the fun kind:

The Original "One-Percenters"

So while I would consider myself the 0.000000003 of Americans, I present three GREAT ideas that need to be implemented ASACP - As Soon As Congressionally Passable.

1. CUT DOWN ON STATES

Forget budget cuts, if you really want to size down that government we need to lose that fat and fast! Let's face it, we got a little carried away with Manifest Destiny and now we've come to realize that 50 of anything is too much...

Be honest, there are states that you have never encountered. For me, it's North Dakota. And I don't just mean I've never been there, I mean I've have yet to meet anyone born or lives in North Dakota. The entire North Dakotan concept is simply theoretical to me. And likewise, I'm completely theoretical to any members of the "Flickertail State." So let's be democratic and have a fair contest...

I propose the groundbreaking NOSE-GOES ACT, which stipulates that immediately upon approval from Congress the last senators who put their fingers to their nose lose their state. Could be California, could be Georgia, hopefully Maine.

Last touched, first served!

Simply put, everyone's belongings from those unfortunate states are seized by the government and redistributed to everyone else. Sounds like "big C" Communism? This is CAPS LOCK COMMUNISM, baby! But there is an end in sight: the states are seized up until the budget for the remaining relevant states are balanced. The Nose-Goes Act puts the civil in Civil War.

And what do we do with all of those unfortunate few %s caught in the middle? Win-win: Put them on a cruise ship and let them decide where they want to go! Some of these states could use a permanent vacation (I'm looking at you, Alabama!)

But the Americans would never turn their back on a fellow state... you state? Bully! Fewer states simply means fewer states to remember -- and nothing attracts Americans to an idea more than the allure of dumbed-down answers to complex issues.

2. BATTLE ROYALE / ROYALE BATTLE

Of course, geographically cleansing a few states isn't going to change the growing gap between the wealthy and the poor. Like it, love it, or gotta have it we need to get these two groups to trust each other again for our capitalist love-boat to keep afloat.

The richie rich's always claim that the reason they are entitled to have continuous raises while cutting employees and their benefits for overseas investments is because they possess that job-creating "entrepreneurial spirit" that can't be matched.

But let's be real here for a moment, the top % actually inherit their wealth -- not completely no, but a few million dollars worth of kickstart for your business idea doesn't hurt either! Remember, just because you were the last sperm to win the golden race doesn't mean you're entitled to fuck everyone else... that's a privilege you need to earn.

So how many of these big wigs merit said wigs? Let's find out!

Here's the plan: The top 1% are parachuted into rural Alaska and given three items: an ink pen, a stapler (with full metal jacket), and 1 kilo of cocaine. For most of these people, cocaine will already be in their possession. These lucky few will battle it out in some of the most unforgiving wilderness until there's only 400 left alive, so as not to disrupt Forbes Magazine.

Those ingenious winners will have earned the respect back from the people and can return to creating jobs / yachts sex parties (whatever gets those creative juices flowing.)

"This is WALLSTREET!"

And finally...

3. DECLARE SCIENTOLOGY OUR OFFICIAL RELIGION

Say what you will about Scientology (not recommended), THOSE guys know how to make serious cash! But is an Official Religion unconstitutional? Let's review...

Amendment I. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Did you see the loophole? It said religion and everyone knows Scientology isn't a religion! If Christian Science gets to use the word Science, then I think it's fair we call Scientology a religion. Crazier doublespeak has been passed in Congress before. Rather than breaking the first amendment, we're upholding it just as the Founding Fathers intended (had they known what nuclear fusion was).

But besides the money we could make through Thetan-Americans, there is a HUGE financial side-benefit:

WIN THE WAR ON TERROR!

To quote Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology and run on sentences:

"Cleared Theta Clear is a thetan who is completely rehabilitated and can do everything a thetan should do, such as move MEST and control others from a distance, or create his own universe; a person who is able to create his own universe or, living in the MEST universe is able to create illusions perceivable by others at will, to handle MEST universe objects without mechanical means and to have and feel no need of bodies or even the MEST universe to keep himself and his friends interested in existence."

Did you catch that? Nor did I! But we'll open every State of the Union with those words.

No one can fuck with that kind of crazy.

Not convinced? Say hello to our new Secretary of Hydrogen Bombs:

In Xenu We Trust.

President Obama, Please Don't Cancel The War In Iraq!

2011-10-30T01:25:00.000-07:00

A Letter to Mr. President Obama,

I know you get a lot of fan mail, but I think I speak for a lot of Americans when I say PLEASE DON'T CANCEL MY FAVORITE WAR!

Sure, ratings have been down the last few years, but Libya and Egypt didn't even last a season and I don't want to nor have the time to learn all the new Ugandan characters. Don't tell me we "still have Afghanistan" because ever since we got bin Ladin it's been one big Soviet-Afghan rerun. How do you say boring in Pashtun?

Please reconsider, Mr. Obama. If you cancel the Iraq War now it's just going to be another over-hyped American finale where all the characters awkwardly reminisce about the past without having resolved any issues. Say what you want about the leaders of the 1940s, they knew how to put on a complete three act structured extravaganza that brought crowds to the theater of war from Europe to Africa to Asia -- and that was in black and white!

The only bright side is that the Afghan spinoff into Pakistan (tentatively entitled "Drone Pilot") looks promising. Maybe you can make something out of that.

Always in the Biz,

Tanenbaumed