I Got 99 Percent, but Wallstreet Ain't 1

 Protesting hard or hardly protesting? Whether it's the Left or Right in this country, both sides are making a lot of noise about representing the "Average Jacob."
 
What both sides of the Occupy Movement are forgetting is that they are all, unfortunately, Americans, and as we all know 99% + 53% does NOT = 100%! (not including X factors either)

All this preoccupation with occupation centers around whether the top 1% require more scrutiny; and no, we don't mean the fun kind:

The Original "One-Percenters"

So while I would consider myself the 0.000000003 of Americans, I present three GREAT ideas that need to be implemented ASACP - As Soon As Congressionally Passable.

1. CUT DOWN ON STATES

Forget budget cuts, if you really want to size down that government we need to lose that fat and fast! Let's face it, we got a little carried away with Manifest Destiny and now we've come to realize that 50 of anything is too much... 

Be honest, there are states that you have never encountered. For me, it's North Dakota. And I don't just mean I've never been there, I mean I've have yet to meet anyone born or lives in North Dakota. The entire North Dakotan concept is simply theoretical to me. And likewise, I'm completely theoretical to any members of the "Flickertail State." So let's be democratic and have a fair contest...

I propose the groundbreaking NOSE-GOES ACT, which stipulates that immediately upon approval from Congress the last senators who put their fingers to their nose lose their state. Could be California, could be Georgia, hopefully Maine.

Last touched, first served!

Simply put, everyone's belongings from those unfortunate states are seized by the government and redistributed to everyone else. Sounds like "big C" Communism? This is CAPS LOCK COMMUNISM, baby! But there is an end in sight: the states are seized up until the budget for the remaining relevant states are balanced. The Nose-Goes Act puts the civil in Civil War.

And what do we do with all of those unfortunate few %s caught in the middle? Win-win: Put them on a cruise ship and let them decide where they want to go! Some of these states could use a permanent vacation (I'm looking at you, Alabama!)

But the Americans would never turn their back on a fellow state... you state? Bully! Fewer states simply means fewer states to remember -- and nothing attracts Americans to an idea more than the allure of dumbed-down answers to complex issues.

2. BATTLE ROYALE / ROYALE BATTLE

Of course, geographically cleansing a few states isn't going to change the growing gap between the wealthy and the poor. Like it, love it, or gotta have it we need to get these two groups to trust each other again for our capitalist love-boat to keep afloat.

The richie rich's always claim that the reason they are entitled to have continuous raises while cutting employees and their benefits for overseas investments is because they possess that job-creating "entrepreneurial spirit" that can't be matched.

But let's be real here for a moment, the top % actually inherit their wealth -- not completely no, but a few million dollars worth of kickstart for your business idea doesn't hurt either! Remember, just because you were the last sperm to win the golden race doesn't mean you're entitled to fuck everyone else... that's a privilege you need to earn.

So how many of these big wigs merit said wigs? Let's find out!

Here's the plan: The top 1% are parachuted into rural Alaska and given three items: an ink pen, a stapler (with full metal jacket), and 1 kilo of cocaine. For most of these people, cocaine will already be in their possession. These lucky few will battle it out in some of the most unforgiving wilderness until there's only 400 left alive, so as not to disrupt Forbes Magazine.

Those ingenious winners will have earned the respect back from the people and can return to creating jobs / yachts sex parties (whatever gets those creative juices flowing.)

"This is WALLSTREET!"

And finally...

3. DECLARE SCIENTOLOGY OUR OFFICIAL RELIGION

Say what you will about Scientology (not recommended), THOSE guys know how to make serious cash! But is an Official Religion unconstitutional? Let's review...

Amendment I. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Did you see the loophole? It said religion and everyone knows Scientology isn't a religion! If Christian Science gets to use the word Science, then I think it's fair we call Scientology a religion. Crazier doublespeak has been passed in Congress before. Rather than breaking the first amendment, we're upholding it just as the Founding Fathers intended (had they known what nuclear fusion was).

But besides the money we could make through Thetan-Americans, there is a HUGE financial side-benefit:

WIN THE WAR ON TERROR!

To quote Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology and run on sentences: 

"Cleared Theta Clear is a thetan who is completely rehabilitated and can do everything a thetan should do, such as move MEST and control others from a distance, or create his own universe; a person who is able to create his own universe or, living in the MEST universe is able to create illusions perceivable by others at will, to handle MEST universe objects without mechanical means and to have and feel no need of bodies or even the MEST universe to keep himself and his friends interested in existence."

Did you catch that? Nor did I! But we'll open every State of the Union with those words.

No one can fuck with that kind of crazy. 

Not convinced? Say hello to our new Secretary of Hydrogen Bombs:

 
In Xenu We Trust.